February 15, 2014 - Saturday
-21/clear/calm
Pentoga Road

I sent the following email to my friends who live in Alaska earlier this morning.

Dear Alaska Friends,

I have been worried this winter, thinking that I was becoming unAlaskafied, when I began feeling colder than normal and fantasizing about warmer weather, spring, green grass, and water that was liquid. 

As you know, I've always prided myself on my toughness, my ability to withstand (and often pay the consequences for) severe cold and adverse conditions. I've been concerned that I might be turning into a sissy. In fact, I recently observed someone drinking one of those fifi drinks with an umbrella sticking out the top and started to think it looked good... not the drink, but the umbrella. I even caught myself using some of Sargie's hand cream when my skin became so dry that it cracked and began bleeding. I wondered what might follow, a new-found lisp accompanied by a tight-cheeked walk; all very unAlaskan. It's been a painful mental ordeal.

You can imagine how much better I feel now that the area surrounding Iron River, Michigan, where our home is, was recently pronounced the COLDEST PLACE ON EARTH for the month of January. Here is the link: http://www.ironmountaindailynews.com/page/content.detail/id/544563.html.

I no longer feel badly for covering my face while taking my daily five-mile stroll through the wilderness. The fact that my four-foot long ice auger will no longer reach the water when wanting to go ice fishing doesn't bother me a bit. I don't have to feel guilty when, clad only in my BVD's, I get a chill when I run outside in the middle of the night to gather an armful of wood of firewood. To heck with those who enjoy drinks with fifi umbrellas! Simply said, Tommy P's got his mojo back! I live in the coldest place on the earth.

So, if you want to "play" tough outdoorsman, pretend to endure harsh elements, and emulate all those who star in the Discovery Channel's outdoor shows, stay in Alaska. But, if you want to REALLY freeze your backside off, come on down south and join us Yoopers where we separate the boys from the Boy Scouts. 

I'd write more, but suddenly, I feel so downright manly and giddy that I think I'll run outside and splash some water on my bare chest, all the while laughing and making fun of those who live in warmer climes and obviously aren't nearly as hardy. It's 7 AM, CST, and the thermometer is registering a rather balmy -21 degrees, a heatwave compared to the -33 with twenty-five mph winds of three days ago.

In closing... if you want to play like you're an outdoorsman, stay in Alaska, in fact, head up to Kotzebue. You can stay in my cabin. But if you REALLY desire a winter experience, come on down to the UP of Michigan, the perfect place to retire after living in Alaska so you can continue to dream of (literally) greener pastures.

Most sincerely,

Wrong Way Tom - the guy who retired "down south" and is still battling a continual case of frost bite and peeling skin since last Christmas